


Illis Quos Amo Deserviam

by Celestial_Gray



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Enemies to friends?, M/M, Past Violence, bellamy isn't good with feelings, boys trying not to murder each other, clarke is just there tbh, idek fam, murphy is an angry boy, past trauma, slight PTSD, slow burn?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 04:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15404871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celestial_Gray/pseuds/Celestial_Gray
Summary: Murphy's back at camp and Bellamy is struggling with his feelings.Set in Season 1 :)(None of the characters are mine, I only own the plot blah blah.....)





	Illis Quos Amo Deserviam

"Murphy, do you want to get a cold?" Clarke spoke up over the constant roaring of the wind. It had gradually been getting stronger over the past couple of weeks, and everyone was beginning to realise that the season was most likely changing. Pleasant warm weather and gentle breezes had shifted, the air was like icy tendrils, creeping up through every gap in the clothing of the remaining 100, the temperatures were bitingly cold, and everyone was trying their best to keep wrapped up, conserving as much heat as they possibly could. Everyone except Murphy, that is.

Clarke had already dealt with several complaints of colds that morning, and she didn't want to add Murphy to that list. The boy was grouchy and quick-tempered at the best of times, him getting ill wasn't something anyone wanted to deal with, especially her and Bellamy. 

Since Murphy had returned to the dropship camp, despite Bellamy's terms of his banishment, tensions between the pair had been at an all time high, they both butted heads constantly over the smallest of things. Nobody wanted to be stuck alone with them, but nobody trusted them enough to be alone together, and so Clarke found that she had been dumped with both of them, as she was the only one who would actually take up the job of preventing them from killing each other. 

Supplies at camp were running low, especially after the hallucinogenic berry incident, and so everyone had agreed it best to start sending out hunting parties, two or three people to a group. As unofficial leaders of the 100, Bellamy, and Clarke, along with Murphy, had been one, mainly to try and persuade the others to participate, despite the threat of the grounders. 

"I think there are more important things to worry about then me zipping up my jacket, Clarke." Murphy responded, rolling his eyes at her. He was trailing slightly behind, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets, shoulders hunched up to provide him some protection against the wind. Bellamy remained behind him, refusing to let Murphy be in the back of the group, as he didn't trust him not to do something suspicious. The last time Bellamy did that, it ended with him having a rope around his neck, and a gun pointed at his head. 

Bellamy willed himself not to say anything, if only for Clarke's sake, he didn't want to start a fight in the middle of grounder territory. At least that's what he told himself. There was a small part in the back of Bellamy's mind that was glad Murphy had returned to camp, and that he hadn't died, but he was struggling to come to terms with actually feeling anything positive towards him, especially since they had both tried to kill each other. Bellamy didn't think it was possible for Murphy and himself to ever get on, and it would do him best to not think about the 'What ifs' of anything. His main priority right now was surviving, not how he felt about Murphy. 

"What exactly are we hunting anyway? Radioactive deer?" Murphy asked, trying to get a rise out of either of them. Since returning to camp, everyone seemed to be ignoring him, which was to be expected, considering he hadn't really left them with the greatest of opinions. However, Bellamy also appeared to be avoiding him, and he didn't even try to put him down for anything, which Murphy had expected. 

"If we're hunting does that mean I can have a gun now?" Murphy continued, he had no faith in them even finding anything anyway. If the forest surrounding the dropship was such a decent hunting ground, shouldn't they have come across a village of some sort, or at least a group trying to fight them off, and out of the grounds. 

Bellamy had said to himself that he wouldn't let himself get annoyed at Murphy, he'd wanted to keep a level head, hunt some food, then go back to camp - simple in theory. However, in reality, Murphy was one of the most irritating people he'd ever been chanced to meet, and he was the only person who could ever annoy him so much that he wanted to physically force him to keep his mouth shut.

"Shut up, Murphy." Bellamy muttered with a huff, speeding up to walk closer behind Murphy, not entirely sure as to why, but if anybody asked, it was to ensure that he didn't start to fall behind. 

Murphy smirked, turning his head to glance at Bellamy over his shoulder. "Why don't you make me, Bellamy?" He asked with mock innocence, smiling broadly at the older male behind him, although it didn't elicit the response he'd thought it would. 

Where Bellamy would usually screw up his face and squint his eyes at Murphy, uttering some basic, yet good enough insult to satiate Murphy's need for pissing him off, now he simply swallowed thickly, shifting his gun on his shoulder, and looked down at the floor, causing Murphy to raise an eyebrow, and turn back away. 

He wasn't sure what to say next, annoying Clarke wasn't half as fun as it was with Bellamy, and he seemed distant, like he had something on his mind, and he wasn't paying as much attention to Murphy as he used to. That fact alone vexed Murphy; he craved Bellamy's attention, it felt like he had no purpose if he didn't get what he wanted. 

"Let's just head back. Your arguing has probably scared everything off." Clarke exhaled, turning around to face her companions. "The weather's also not good, everything worth eating's most likely hibernating for the winter. We'll have to figure something out when we get back to the drop ship." Neither of them said anything, although they nodded in acknowledgement, Clarke had a point, plus they both wanted to get out of the cold and get back to pretending the other didn't exist, hoping it'd lessen the tension. 

 

Upon arriving back to camp, it appeared that the other hunting teams hadn't had much luck either, although Finn had had the intelligent thought to set traps for smaller animals, like rabbits and squirrels, although most people doubted they'd catch anything. Everything was pointing towards the 100's first winter on earth being incredibly harsh, but there was a certain pair in the camp who couldn't care less about the issue of supplies, as their thoughts were directed elsewhere. 

Since Murphy had no work detail currently, he went straight towards his tent, which had been haphazardly constructed beside the dropship upon his re-instation back into camp. He would be lying if he said he was bothered, he had nothing to complain about, as anything would be better than the conditions he'd been kept in whilst being a grounder prisoner. His tent was warm, he had blankets, and it sheltered him from the ever changing weather, which he was incredibly grateful for, but he'd never voice his gratitude, especially not to Bellamy. 

Entering his tent, Murphy closed it up immediately, dropping onto his mattress with a deep sigh. Despite it being almost below zero outside, he was sweating in his jacket, and he took it off, tossing it to the opposite side of the tent. As much as he hated it, he found that his thoughts were becoming more constantly about Bellamy Blake, and this time they weren't about wanting to wrap a rope around his throat. It was becoming increasingly clear to Murphy that he may possibly care about him, and that seeing Bellamy being so close with Clarke all of a sudden, could he possibly be getting jealous, and over Bellamy no less. 

"Bellamy!" Clarke called, just as he was about to turn away and wrap everything up for the night. Concealing a sigh, he stopped walking, allowing her time to catch up with him before he began making his way to his tent again.   
"What do you want, Princess? I'm kinda busy right now." Bellamy desperately tried to suppress his exasperation, the day was hardly over and he was already tired enough as it was. All he wanted to do was crash onto his bed and nap away a couple hours, however, being unofficial leader meant that he had responsibilities to deal with, as much as he wanted to ignore his problems, like he was currently doing with Murphy. 

Clarke stopped dead in front of him, forcing Bellamy to look directly at him. "You're distracted by something, Bellamy. You haven't been acting yourself since - " 

"Since Murphy came back, I know." Bellamy ran a hand through his messy hair, adjusting the shoulder strap of his gun as he did so. He thought he wasn't being obvious, but then again this was Clarke, and she was the one person who'd be able to see through his mask. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Clarke treaded carefully, she knew Bellamy could be difficult, and she didn't think she quite had all his trust just yet. Bellamy looked directly at her for a while, running through possibilities in his head.   
He wasn't sure whether he should admit how he felt to Clarke, surely it would be better for him to tell someone how he felt, rather then bottle everything up. But this was about Murphy, and they'd never gotten on ever, and it didn't make sense to Bellamy why his feelings would change so suddenly. 

"You shouldn't doubt yourself, Bellamy. It will only make you feel worse than you already do." Clarke said with an air of finality, she saw the look of confusion plainly displayed on Bellamy's face. 

He made to speak but Clarke merely shook her head, silencing him. She wasn't about to start letting him become uncertain about himself, that was the last thing anybody needed currently. 

"Just, trust yourself, Bellamy. Even if it's Murphy." Clarke placed a hand on Bellamy's shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze. Bellamy watched her leave, making sure that she had definitely gone, before he continued walking.   
Coming to terms with the idea of ever liking Murphy was definitely one of the most difficult things Bellamy had ever done, possibly even more difficult than shooting Chancellor Jaha. 

Murphy wasn't exactly the type of person that could be described as likable, and he most certainly didn't like Bellamy back, if their last encounter meant anything. He was torn between going to find the younger male and explaining everything he felt in the utmost detail, or hiding away and trying his best to avoid any confrontation with Murphy, although the latter of the two options wouldn't go unnoticed by Murphy, who appeared to be trying his best to get Bellamy's attention more and more frequently. 

It was working though, Bellamy found his gaze turning towards Murphy all the time, he found that he was looking out for the him more often than he wasn't, getting jealous when anyone came within talking distance of him, even though Bellamy knew nobody in the camp liked Murphy in that way. 

Unbeknownst to Bellamy, Murphy was experiencing the same exact problem as him. Murphy had never been good with his emotions, the only strong feeling he'd ever had was anger and resentment for those who'd made his life a misery. Not ever had he had to deal with the possibility of loving someone, especially someone who fit into the aforementioned category.

However, Murphy didn't plan on acting upon his newfound feelings - instead he'd already elected to ignore them and hope they would just go away after being neglected. It wasn't a realistic way to deal with them, but it wasn't like he was going to approach Bellamy about them, he wasn't that stupid. 

Bellamy wasn't exactly known for being with men, let alone somebody like Murphy, so he wasn't getting his hopes up about anything, it only seemed like the universe had other plans for the two of them - as they always ended up being together for some reason or another.

Murphy honestly felt as though it would be better for him to leave camp again and take his chances with the grounders, at least then he wouldn't have to worry about making a fool of himself in front of Bellamy, and he wouldn't have to worry about anybody finding out how he actually felt. Although if he did decide to run away, he doubted anyone would ever accept him back into camp again, and he doubted that he would survive very long in a grounder camp again. As per usual, anything that could go wrong for Murphy was doing so, or at least he thought everything was going that way. 

Bellamy had been pacing up and down the floor of his tent for the past half hour, but to him it felt like forever. He'd been weighing over all the possible conclusions to talking with Murphy, the majority of which ended with him getting punched in the face, or some other form of pain towards himself. 

Deciding it best to just talk with Murphy and get everything over with, Bellamy pulled his jacket on tighter, shoving his hands deep into his pockets to protect himself against the strengthening winds outside. If they got any stronger, he thought, they might have to start bringing the tents inside the dropship to protect them from being blown away. 

Going outside, Bellamy was hit instantly with the sudden drop in temperature. He shivered slightly, the wind caressing his hair, and bringing a slight pinkish tint to his cheeks because of the cold. 

The majority of the camp seemed to be sheltering inside of the dropship, with only a few milling around in the centre of the camp, surrounding the flickering fire pit. The emptiness of the camp didn't bother Bellamy, in fact it made his plan a lot easier, as he didn’t have to worry about anyone questioning why he was walking around at this time. 

Bellamy slightly regretted putting Murphy's tent in the furthest corner of the camp, but at the time it seemed like a good idea - keeping him away from everyone and keeping everyone away from him. However now, in the cold and wind, Bellamy thought he'd freeze before he even got there, and he doubted Murphy would even let him inside when he did. 

"Murphy!" Bellamy's voice from outside his tent shocked Murphy up out of his covers. He wasn't planning on sleeping for several more hours yet, and he doubted he could if he tried, but that didn't mean he was expecting Bellamy to be outside just when he'd been thinking about him. 

Doing nothing to conceal his irritation, with a huff, he pushed himself up, towards the zip of his tent opening. Unzipping it, he stepped out, becoming face to face with Bellamy, or Bellamy's chest, as he was slightly taller than him. Murphy took a step back, glancing up at him. 

"What do you want, Bellamy?" He asked, expecting to get moaned at for some reason or another, that was usually the way with him.

"I want to talk." Bellamy stated plainly, hoping he would come across as being genuine, with no other ulterior motives, Murphy already hated and distrusted him enough, he'd be lucky to get the chance to talk to him in a civilised manner. 

Murphy thought for a moment, contemplating the positives and negatives of either choice he could make, but at least Bellamy was giving him a choice for once. "Okay." He agreed, retreating back inside the warmth of his tent, assuming that Bellamy would follow behind him, which he did, taking the courtesy to close the zipper behind him as well.

Murphy sat down on his quilt, Bellamy taking that as his queue to sit too, and he took the risk of sitting beside Murphy, keeping a little space between them, but close enough that it was deemed friendly. He held his breath, waiting for Murphy to curse him out, but he simply cocked his head to the side and raised an inquiring eyebrow. 

"You wanted to talk, so talk." Murphy said, splaying his hands out behind him, leaning his weight back on his arms, signalling that he was slightly at ease, hoping that would help Bellamy to get whatever he wanted to say to Murphy off his chest quickly, he didn’t want to stay around him alone for longer than he needed to. 

"It's not that easy, Murphy." Bellamy sighed, putting his head in has hands and placing his elbows on his knees. It was a rare moment of weakness, especially for Bellamy, to be shown in front of Murphy, and he almost pitied him. Almost. However, his feelings for Bellamy didn’t stop him from being snarky, he couldn't let himself start being out of character just because he had a crush on the guy. 

"So you can lynch me, but you can't talk to me?" Murphy mocked him, he wanted to see the look of hurt flash across Bellamy's face. What Murphy wanted most was a decent apology, which he hadn’t gotten after he'd been cut down. He felt like he deserved one from Bellamy anyway, if he couldn’t get his revenge by killing him he may as well try for something that he had a higher possibility of getting. 

Bellamy pealed his hands away from his face, turning his head to the side to glare daggers at Murphy. He knew it wasn't going to be easy even broaching the topic, but Murphy was being extremely difficult recently, even more so than he normally was, although, Bellamy thought he had every right to hate him. 

He wanted to be mad at Murphy, Bellamy had already explained, or at least tried to explain his actions on that day, he shouldn't have expected Murphy to just drop the subject and forget about it, he had almost killed him. Bellamy looked away, feeling small beneath the heated stare of the other occupant of the tent, he'd never meant for it to begin like this. There was too much tension between Murphy and him. 

Bellamy opened his mouth to talk, but ended up closing it again when he realised he had nothing to say to him, and everything to say to him, all at once. As much as he hated the thought, Murphy could be very intimidating, especially if he was staring directly at you with pure, unadulterated rage and hatred.

"I didn't want things to end up like that." Bellamy partially whispered, his voice quieter than he'd wanted it to be, his words catching in the back of his throat, and just from Murphy's expression he knew he'd taken a note of that.

Murphy remained silent, watching Bellamy intently, wanting to know if this was all some kind of joke, set up by Bellamy to amuse him. He rubbed at his nose, waiting for Bellamy to say something else, he didn’t want the silence to continue, and he didn’t want to be the one to break it.

"Well, Bellamy. If you didn’t want it to end up like that, then why kick the box from underneath me?" Murphy continued, mentally yelling at himself to stop, all he was doing was making everything worse for the both of them. He should just let Bellamy talk, otherwise he'd only end up hating Murphy even more than he already did currently. 

"You're not making this easy for me, you know that, Murphy." Yes, Murphy did know that, almost too well, and he hated that he couldn't stop himself. For him it appeared as though everything that could possibly go wrong between him and Bellamy was doing so, all because he couldn't keep his damn mouth shut and let the man speak. 

"You didn't make anything easy for me either." Murphy spat back. He knew he shouldn't let his anger get to him so badly, but so much contempt and annoyance had built up over the past months, that it had finally eaten up at Murphy enough for him to speak his mind, and Bellamy's sudden interest in him had been the catalyst for everything to come out all at once. 

"Do you have any idea what I went through, Bellamy? Did you think for even a second what you were doing to me?" Murphy stood now, taking up what little space there was within the tent with his pacing back and fourth. 

All he wanted was for Bellamy to apologise, to quit with the excuses, for once in his life, Murphy wanted the truth, and not some filtered lie to try and make him feel better. Yet it seemed he couldn't even grant him that. 

"You were so quick to try and get rid of me, even though you had no proof. The one person I thought I could actually trust down here turned out to be my executioner. How am I supposed to feel when all you've done since I came back is ignore everything. You pretend I'm not here to make things easier for you, but that's not fair, Bellamy." 

It had been years since Murphy had last allowed himself to cry, but he felt it now. That familiar feeling of tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He'd had to deal with that for weeks after his father's death, every single time his mother spoke to him, he wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, and hope that he would just disappear. 

And that's how he felt now. Naively, he'd believed Bellamy had came to apologise, or at least acknowledge what he'd done to Murphy before he'd thrown him out to deal with the grounders alone. 

"Murphy stop." Bellamy also stood, grasping Murphy by the wrist. In his anger, his hands had formed into fists, and his nails had dug into his palms, breaking the skin. Small beads of blood came to the surface, but Murphy ignored them, yanking his arm out of Bellamy's grasp. 

Murphy opened his mouth to speak, but the look on Bellamy's face made him close it immediately. Bellamy was definitely struggling coming to terms with just how Murphy felt about him, about what he'd done to him. 

How Bellamy thought that Murphy might be able to forgive him after this he would never know. It was obvious to him now, just sat really listening to what Murphy had to say, that he was incredibly broken, and Bellamy deserved every nasty thing that Murphy had to say to him. 

The pair stood, neither wanting to say anything, lest it set the other off, but neither wanted to move. Bellamy didn't want to leave, not now when Murphy so desperately needed someone to listen, and Murphy didn't really want Bellamy to leave, despite everything he'd said, he wanted Bellamy to stay with him, at least say something, tell him that he was allowed to feel how he felt. 

"Murphy, I-I'm sorry. I know it'll never be enough after everything I've done to you, but," Bellamy sighed, trailing off before he could even finish his thoughts. Of course it'll never be enough for Murphy, he clearly had a lot of issues before they'd even reached the ground, and Bellamy had increased those tenfold before he'd even put a rope around his neck. 

Despite everything, Murphy's lips quirked up slightly, almost in a sad sought of smile, and he sat back down, tugging Bellamy by the shirt sleeve, guiding him to sit back beside him, slightly closer than they had been before. 

The atmosphere was a lot less tense than it had been prior to Murphy's small break down. Although, Bellamy was still a little tentative about broaching the subject he'd originally came to speak about.

"Do you know what my mother's last words were to me?" Murphy asked, although the question was rhetorical. Bellamy knew little of Murphy's past, he didn't even know why he was in prisoned in the first place, but he gathered from his tone that Murphy's relationship with his mother had been rocky to say the least. 

"My own damn mother used her last dying breathe to blame me for my father's death. It was almost pathetic to see her struggle to call me a worthless child, a waste of the Arc's resources." Murphy shook his head, looking down at the floor. 

Bellamy was taken aback with how truthful Murphy was being with him. He certainly hadn't expected him to open up as much as he had done, and honestly, he was shocked that Murphy had to deal with the weight of that alone. Bellamy had never experience survivors guilt, but from how Murphy was acting, he could only guess that that was how he must be feeling. 

"You're not worthless, Murphy." Bellamy admitted quietly, taking a risk, reaching out to take Murphy's hand in his own. Murphy flinched, but didn't pull away, silently accepting Bellamy's attempt at comfort. 

He hadn't expected it, he didn't think Bellamy would ever be able to understand anything he'd been through, but he was definitely trying, although it was obvious he was tiptoeing around Murphy to try and not offend him anymore than he already had. 

"I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must've been to have your own mother say that to you, but you're far from worthless, I wish you'd see that." Gently, Bellamy began to brush the back of Murphy's hand with his thumb, glad that Murphy was letting him get away with such contact but he wasn't about to take it for granted, or think that it meant anything else was okay. 

Murphy was so close to dealing out some scathing remark or snarky reply, but the feel of Bellamy's hand against his own kept him quiet. Surely this couldn't be a joke if Bellamy was trying so hard to get Murphy to trust him, to show Murphy that he was truly remorseful towards what he'd put him through. 

Murphy was so used to being on his own all the time, not trusting anyone but himself, that his stomach was doing backflips at the prospect of this all being real, of Bellamy reciprocating his feelings somehow. 

"Murphy," Bellamy spoke up once again. He knew he was most definitely insane for attempting to do something like this, especially with Murphy, but if he didn't, he knew he'd hate himself for not taking the opportunity given to him.   
Murphy turned, looking up at Bellamy for the first time since he'd arrived, surprised to see that his cheeks were as red as Murphy's felt. 

Bellamy was rarely nervous, he was pretty good at controlling his feelings, but the way Murphy was looking to him expectantly, it was certainly making things a lot more difficult for him. Swallowing his pride, his hand moved to grasp Murphy's arm, just above his elbow, and, before he could have any second thoughts about whether this was the right course of action, he lent forwards, placing his lips against Murphy's own. 

They were both taken by surprise over this sudden development in their relationship, Bellamy because he'd actually done it, and Murphy because it was so unexpected, it was both what he'd imagined and nothing like he'd imagined at all. 

Bellamy was gentle with him, not moving to fast or too far, not wanting to pressure Murphy into something, giving him room to push him away if this wasn't what he wanted, but Murphy did nothing, except reciprocate the kiss, if a little shy, but he wasn't sure what else to do, he was caught so off guard.   
Bellamy pulled back pretty quickly, not out of disgust, just because he didn't want to make Murphy uncomfortable. 

At first, Murphy said nothing, he simply sat, as if coming to terms with what had just happened, but slowly, gradually, his back got a little straighter, and he turned back to face Bellamy, both of them finding it difficult to look the other in the eye without their lips quirking upwards into a sought of grin. 

"I think you've proved you're sorry enough." Murphy chuckled, ignoring his brain screaming at him to run away, instead leaning closer to Bellamy, placing his head against his shoulder. 

"Are you sure, because I can try again if you need more convincing." 

***


End file.
